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The contradiction of depression

by Azlan

Let’s begin somewhere; depression. I’ve had it for about 15 years now. I first discovered it in school and it hasn’t left since. The reasons keep changing as I’ve gone older, but the episodes remain the same.

I decided to write something here ‘as a matter of fact’, because frankly, people don’t care if you write about your sorry life on Facebook.


Loneliness; something I’ve experienced early on as a young boy growing up. I wasn’t a popular student, so I made very little friends. I clung on to them tightly for as long as I could, but those few left as soon as I moved on to another phase in life; primary to secondary, secondary to poly and so forth. The revolving door of friends has made me into hermit at a young age, wandering out on my own, something I still do to this day.

Anger; another key ingredient of being depressed. Being the small boy that I was then in primary and secondary school , I was often the target of bullies. Naturally I was angry, but I was also angry at myself, because I couldn’t do anything about it. I would just take it brunt of it and at the end of the day, went home.

Fast forward to 2009, I experienced the most severe bout of depression just as I entered NS. It was severe enough that extreme thoughts did come to mind. But somehow in spite of this, something great came out of it; running. It gave me an identity, something I had never had before. So I took it and molded it, to become the person that stands before you now.

But here is where the contradiction seems to life; running is supposed to help remedy depression right? Then why hasn’t it?

It’s complicated. Though I’m ever thankful and what running has given to me, it hasn’t resolved many of the episodes that I’ve experienced. One moment I’m fine, the next, a train wreck; a contradiction. Running has always been the thing that keeps moving forward in my life, but somehow or another, it’s when I’m not running, that these episodes return.

So the question you would ask me now is, “Am I ok?”.

I’d answer you, “Yes. I have to.”

Because in the age of social media, nobody has time for a person who suffers from depression. Everyone expects you to be ‘ok’ and posting the right content on social media, it’s annoying sometimes. Likewise, social media keeps you in constant contact with people, but I don’t know why my conversations keep dying out. Maybe it’s just me and that I suck really badly at being social.

I’m sorry if this may have turned out to be a rant, but I’m only just one person who seems to having an issue with his life. I’m sure you have your own. I guess I’m scared one day I will crack again, this time for good.

The title of this post was inspired by an article here about Rob Krar. After having watch his video, I can fully relate to what he says about depression. 

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1 comment

Rui September 22, 2015 - 12:44 AM

People who care try and they try hard, sometimes I tell them that they helped and I smile to say that I am feeling better, but the truth is I do not want anyone to feel down when they realize that they cannot help. I have been struggling with both OCD and depression for a very long time, and it did not get better as years passed, I have seen psychiatrists and taken medications, it is not cheap and ironically it became an additional source of stress for me as I felt that I am nothing but a burden to my family. The feelings are complex and at times paradoxical; a mixture of sudden unexplained bouts of sadness, helplessness, lack of motivation and occasional apathy. I can’t help you as I am still trying hard to figure it out myself but I suspect that for me at least, the solution is not found on others but within myself, I never really had the luxury of friends, I find social interactions to be emotionally draining and exhausting, I can never talk about my problems with my parents either, my father because despite his best intentions he cannot understand and my mother behaves like a religious shark that smells blood with her asking me to find Jesus back when I needed her most, so I have always needed to deal with it myself, sometimes I try to cry to make myself feel better but I simply can’t, it often leads to much more destructive emotions and requires no small effort to keep it in check.

Life is hard, it may get better, it will also get a lot worse, but I still believe that there are moments in life, no matter how fleeting are worth suffering and living for, they are like buoys on the sea for the man who no longer has the strength to stay afloat in a storm that refuses to go away. I know that our struggles are different and there is nothing I can say to actually make you feel better, but know that you are not alone in this and that each day that you live makes you stronger than the person you are yesterday. This is a journey that you cannot train and prepare for, maybe if you are really lucky you might find people along the way to run with you, but each step you take is your own and a victory itself.


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