Let’s begin somewhere; depression. I’ve had it for about 15 years now. I first discovered it in school and it hasn’t left since. The reasons keep changing as I’ve gone older, but the episodes remain the same.
I decided to write something here ‘as a matter of fact’, because frankly, people don’t care if you write about your sorry life on Facebook.
Loneliness; something I’ve experienced early on as a young boy growing up. I wasn’t a popular student, so I made very little friends. I clung on to them tightly for as long as I could, but those few left as soon as I moved on to another phase in life; primary to secondary, secondary to poly and so forth. The revolving door of friends has made me into hermit at a young age, wandering out on my own, something I still do to this day.
Anger; another key ingredient of being depressed. Being the small boy that I was then in primary and secondary school , I was often the target of bullies. Naturally I was angry, but I was also angry at myself, because I couldn’t do anything about it. I would just take it brunt of it and at the end of the day, went home.
Fast forward to 2009, I experienced the most severe bout of depression just as I entered NS. It was severe enough that extreme thoughts did come to mind. But somehow in spite of this, something great came out of it; running. It gave me an identity, something I had never had before. So I took it and molded it, to become the person that stands before you now.
But here is where the contradiction seems to life; running is supposed to help remedy depression right? Then why hasn’t it?
It’s complicated. Though I’m ever thankful and what running has given to me, it hasn’t resolved many of the episodes that I’ve experienced. One moment I’m fine, the next, a train wreck; a contradiction. Running has always been the thing that keeps moving forward in my life, but somehow or another, it’s when I’m not running, that these episodes return.
So the question you would ask me now is, “Am I ok?”.
I’d answer you, “Yes. I have to.”
Because in the age of social media, nobody has time for a person who suffers from depression. Everyone expects you to be ‘ok’ and posting the right content on social media, it’s annoying sometimes. Likewise, social media keeps you in constant contact with people, but I don’t know why my conversations keep dying out. Maybe it’s just me and that I suck really badly at being social.
I’m sorry if this may have turned out to be a rant, but I’m only just one person who seems to having an issue with his life. I’m sure you have your own. I guess I’m scared one day I will crack again, this time for good.