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The Great Apathy

by Azlan

I feel like a dinosaur these days.

By that I mean, I feel out of touch sometimes, on a variety of issues.

Keeping up with the racing scene.

My 2016 schedule shows that I’ll only be doing 3 local races and 2 overseas races in the whole year. That pales in comparison to what I’ve done previously (see here). I look at it from two angles, local and overseas racing.

I guess, local races don’t hold much value to me any more, I’ve done my share in my formative years as a runner, so I’ll only return to those races that I consider to have some sort of competitive or social value to me.

Overseas races? Well there’s plenty to choose from isn’t it? Coming over for UTMB, even if it’s to run the CCC is a dream come true. But honestly I don’t earn a lot and expenses is quite, much.

And then there was the DNF.

Everyone knows it by now. Still peeved about it. 10 weeks of intense training just fell flat.

The grief of losing someone, and everyone.

My father passed away earlier in the February. His death was in a way expected, but the timing of his death took my family by surprise. Despite his illness spanning 3 decades, including the last 5 years where he deteriorated, he was still the leader of the house.

Now that he’d gone, his responsibilities had been automatically passed on to me. I guess I’m fine for now, but there are days where I feel muddled up and lost without a sense of direction. And there are days where I just feel tired, both from training and watching over the house.

It doesn’t help that there are other people in my life that I’m already beginning to lose. I’m not the best person socially and perhaps it’s all my fault that it’s happening.

The internal conflict of social.

I have my grievances with social media at times, because it comes into direct conflict with the person who I really am; the one that most people don’t know about. It is a drag sometimes to get your message across the various platforms, it feels like a battlefield out there. I’ve grown weary of it as time goes by, as it does affect my psyche. I should probably remind myself not to expect so much out of it.

Not ________ enough.

I get comments all the time implying I look like a fairly capable runner. But my power to weight ratio is just terrible. Adding on my incredible long and fabled injury list (including running injured for over a year), doesn’t really help much. I just feel, frustrated I can’t be any faster that I’d like to be.


Well sure there’s many things to be thankful for aside the bitching. Sponsorships in the bag (WAA, Simple Hydration, Nuke Optics), helping Gone Running as an affiliate, a year into the current job, a rehab regiment to help with my injury. So far, so good.


But so what? In the end, I’ll just have to worry about what’s next to come. Whether it’ll be my first, or my last.



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